I can remember the countless jobs that I have had where I have looked at the Owner/CEO as an untouchable and brilliant force behind the organization. I know this sounds absurd since my parents who started off as owner-operators and transitioned to carriers of a successful trucking company and a diesel mechanic school taught all of us kids the opposite as we worked for the family business. My parents were never untouchable, and I was never raised to lead anything as if I was some untouchable force. Nevertheless, I painted this mental picture at a young age that the owner of a company was like a magical unicorn. I also had no desire to be that unicorn, especially in the trucking industry because I saw firsthand the discipline and sacrifice that it took by watching my parents. Their success came at a cost and that cost was one I was unwilling to pay.
In my young adult years, I left the trucking industry altogether when I went off to college and decided to work in the healthcare industry. It allowed me to come and go as I please clock in and clock out with occasional overtime. I also loved working with people so it was a win-win in my book. Once I moved up in the industry, I thought it would be different than what I saw growing up. At the end of the day I learned the harsh reality that behind the smiles of our leaders there is a sacrifice that many would run from if they really knew what it takes to lead an organization of any kind. Social media glamorizes this, but life introduces you to the reality of the sacrifice real quick.
Let me be the one to tell you that I'm always stressed out about leading any new organization. I often debate with God if He really wants this because often I do not want to lead once again I grew up seeing the cost. I also tend to focus on my lack of qualification when it comes to the job ahead of me, lets face it I’m not a magical unicorn. On top of that I still secretly struggle sometimes with leadership because an outreach ministry that I loved, been a part of for 9years, and lead as an Outreach Pastor ended because I had to face the fact that it was time for me to not just move on but transition into a completely different arena which happens to be transportation. Though there were many factors to this decision I felt as if I failed on so many levels and I was wrestling with this in the back of my mind. Oh, and let’s not forget all my ideas and the pressure I placed on myself regarding how I can do all of this by myself and I can not fail again. That was my pep talk when actually I was secretly a nervous wreck inside. I was shaking like a leaf but of course, no one ever knows this. For some reason I have this ability to look as if I have it all under control. I have been trained very well from a young age to hide nervousness and control it. That comes from not only working for my parents (that will make you nervous their experience is invaluable and intimidating at times), being a musician and playing my flute in front of multiple audiences starting at the age of 5, and speaking in front of audiences starting at the age of 16. With all my preparation for this moment and the ability to hide my insecurities a year later I realize none of that really matters. God wasn’t going to allow me to start leading with some pre rehearsed mentality that I was going to do this by myself without HIM while attempting to honor HIM, no matter what my experiences have been in the past.
So, the weekend came prior to me starting and I started to feel bad again. All I heard in response was pray and fast for 21 days. Now I’m thinking to myself God you tripping 21 days? Hold up now I will do one day I’m sorry for not doing as you said but there is no way I can do 21 days.
I already knew the symbolization of 21 days. It wasn’t some form of punishment as I wanted to make it out to be it was a form of discipline that I needed. See it takes 21 days to develop a habit, but in my mind I didn’t have time to develop a habit I needed to get to work. So once again I ignored it and got myself ready to go. That day hit me like a ton of bricks. I was frustrated, I felt useless, weak, and on top of that my mind started to go out in the left field. I started thinking can I really lead this organization? Someone must be a better fit? Maybe this isn’t for me? Maybe I should let this go and just stay doing what I’m currently doing. Then I heard a soft whisper once again that said fast and pray for 21 days.
Boy oh boy did I hit the jackpot with that question. It was then when I realized God was giving me my first lesson to for my next assignment. In the mist of it all God was calling me into a new season. This season is one of strength(His strength), discipline, and obedience. I had to learn first hand that I could never do this assignment or any assignment moving forward by myself especially if I call myself bringing honor and glory to Gods name. I will also need to be disciplined like never before and obedient. You would think that a former CR Pastor would know this and yes I knew it but I wasn't fully living in it. Funny how God puts you in check real quick through life lessons. God also revealed to me that I could never lead at this level by myself. This season is one in which I must depend solely on God and not myself. In this new season my direction must be led by God, my decisions must be led by God, and the mission must be led by God or it will not succeed. I am only a vessel placed in a position to serve in HIS will not my own.
Praise God after plenty of mistakes as of this year none of my decisions have been Charis decisions. They have been decisions in which I have consulted God. All my meetings have been driven by prayer, spending time in Gods word, and focus on the mission and purpose God has for this organization, not my own. As for me I’m still weak probably more so than any other organization I have led but this time something is different. I know that I do not have to depend on my weakness because I can rest completely in Gods strength as he leads and guides me to serve as the Owner of Selah Logistics LLC a transportation and logistics company.
It is in my weakness that God can really use me. Thank you God and now I am ready to serve.
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